ADD ADHD Negotiation
Negotiation in a Relationship
Learning to negotiate is a skill the ADD person needs especially when he is living with someone. It really is not only a desirable ability but actually a necessary one.
Blaming others can become a large part of an ADD person’s life or the life of those who live with him/her. To stop this blaming and excuse making, negotiation can help.
The following are ways to negotiate through the pitfalls of living in a relationship with someone. These tips are for both the ADD person and the one living with the ADD person.
1. Don’t blame each other as it doesn’t matter why something happened.
2. Accept and understand what happened.
3. In your conversations and discussions eliminate all judgment.
4. Stick to the facts without making excuses or apologies.
5. Make simple plans to solve the problem.
6. Listen to each others plan. Don’t interrupt each other when each of you is sharing you ideas. Afterward it is okay to ask question so that you understand what was said.
7. Each partner should then say what they liked about the others plan. Do not judge or critize the others plan.
8. Suggestions on modification can next be added, and tell each other what is most important to you.
9. Make your plans into one plan so you can focus only on the one.
10. Take one step at a time working only on thing before going on to next.
11. Mutually agree on specific ways to accomplish each step in you plan.
12. Once plan is set in motion, stick to it unless you both decide together on a new plan.
Once each of you learn to negotiate our needs you will feel and be a successful partnership.
The biggest problem for people with lots of ADD attributes is follow-thru. Details and distraction can get in the way and overwhelm the ADD person. They can get pulled of course. This lack of follow-thru often destroys trust in a relationship. The effect of this lack of follow-thru hurts the partner even though the ADD person does not mean to hurt anyone.
The partner should not take this lack of follow-thru personally, it is not because the ADD person doesn’t care or love the partner. Being easily drawn off course, the ADD person should be sure to take on only what he truly wants to do. The ADD person should not try and do something just because he thinks he should.
It takes time to learn new habits and the partner of the ADD person should not try to issue reminders to the ADD partner without being asked to do so. Both partners should think of this as practice to learn t follow-thru.
The ADD partner shouldn’t expect his partner to take on responsibility of always having to remind him to follow-thru on something.
Sometimes partners get angry and tired with what they think of as always having “all the responsibility.”
You don’t want your partnership to end up like a parent-child relationship. So sometimes remember asking the tired, angry partner for help might not work that well. But whatever the situation it is always better for the ADD person to want and ask for help rather than for the non-ADD person to offer.
The best thing for an ADD person is to make lists and schedules. This helps keeping things in perspective but keeping them up to date might require the help of the non-ADD partner.
Both partners should try and go over lists together. Having joint responsibility can bring togetherness but if there is a fight over lists or blaming and excuse making perhaps it is better for each to go over the list individually.
